I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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