I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
