thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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