And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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