I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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