I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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