Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
