I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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