I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
