Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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