Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
