A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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