i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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