woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
