Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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