I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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