butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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