I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
