I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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