i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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