I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
