since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
