How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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