Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
