The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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