It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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