girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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