i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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