Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
