I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
fuck your aforementioned shoe
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
