you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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