I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
