Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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