Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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