I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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