I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
