we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
