Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
