I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
