You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
