my phone needs a breathalizer
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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