I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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