Don't make out with my wife yet
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
