i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
