they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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