The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
