Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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