So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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