I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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