Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
