just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
