Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
