Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
