Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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