Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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