Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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