Can i not drive my cunt home
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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