Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
