brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
