Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
