he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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